Grace Under Pressure

Have you ever just been sad? Today, I am.

I sense the haunting of a quiet grief. A hollow desire wandering through my mind. I’m making myself write because, when this malaise arrives, it attempts to devour everything I love and replace the emptiness with some sort of counterfeit peace.… or should I say piece?..as in a nice, big emotional piece of chocolate cake….and then another…followed by a quesadilla washed down with a few beers and a couple of shots of JD Fire.

I know, in my heart, I want to write. And so I am. But it feels like I’m just littering words on the page. A retrospective look at my life would reveal this pallid companion knocks on my heart’s door intermittently…mostly when I’m tired or unmotivated. Today, I’m tired.

How do you write tired? Not tiredly…that’s what I”m doing now. But…tired…how do you express its substance without the writing sounding fatigued. My impulse is to stream a vague prayer of formal-sounding words into a wave of nonsensical complexity in an effort to mask the scant brain activity present at the keyboard. (I was just going to delete this whole last part…but, whatever)

Part of the problem is that I really have no friends. (I know, TMI) I have a job where I offer…um, advice. I hate to say guidance or counseling because I don’t want the responsibility. Nothing wrong with trying to encourage people out of…well, this cloud I’m under. But, when I go down, I go down alone. Ha. Irony?

Don’t get me wrong, I have people around me that I cherish, love, encourage. But, I never felt understood…and before you say that is an unrealistic expectation, I tell you, I have been “understood” by a couple of people in my life. Circumstance has forced the dreaded “separate ways” upon those folks and me, but I remember that “it” exists. It’s probably just me. I’m not sure how to let people into my heart and mind. And when I do try…they just get a confused, glazed-over look in their eyes. So, I wind up talking about what’s on their mind…which is comfortable for me, because it’s what I do. Anyway…

Ya know what, I’m starting to feel better. No, honestly. This writing thing helps. : ) 

I’m an optimistic/cynic at heart. I want to see human complications clearly and still embrace life.

Grace under Pressure.

I hope that a future retrospective of my life will reveal, that I didn’t always share Grace perfectly, but that my behaviors were at least trending in a positive direction…. even if nobody understood it except me. 

 

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9 thoughts on “Grace Under Pressure

    1. I’ll respond with a speculation and a question. ha. I can’t know other people..but for me, I think it is entirely possible that at our deepest places we are alone. Meaning, nobody knows all the nuances of what makes me—me. I’m still trying to figure out me. Ha. So, logically they could not exist in my deepest places or fully understand the environment. So, to answer your question… I think it is right for us to feel alone at our deepest places. Healthy. We can’t let others animate us…motivate? Yes. I have to have a core. What do you think? If you want to write longer form emails my email in on the contact page. I use a pseudonym, but Ed is my first name.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But do you want anyone to know you at that level? Sometimes I can see when I block people out. As if I’m saying, “Come close, but stop there—->.” I guess I’d have to admit I do put a wall up and it always shocks me when people want to be friends with me. I’m having a huge struggle with that on my new job. All these people like me, and want to talk to me. They see something in me that I don’t really see in myself. I probably need to write about that to try and understand it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think our hearts are very precious and fragile entities. I’m going to use “heart” as the word meaning “deepest part of ourselves”. And you should protect your heart. Kindness, encouragement, are things that we can offer others, and those behaviors reveal some of the characteristics of our heart, but they are not the full picture. Come close..but stop here is how I operate. I don’t trust people with my heart…too many bruises. I kinda know what you are going through…sorta happened to me five years ago. That’s email material.
        What do people see in you that you don’t see in yourself? I assume people want to be friends with me because they don’t know me. I assume they only see me through their own lenses. And I am sure I only see them through mine. I try to see deeper into them…but not let them see deeper into me. Does that make sense?
        Thanks for typing! 🙂
        Also..your post “It strikes me” is not appearing on your page and I responded but it wouldn’t post either. So, here’s what I wrote”
        fyi…this doesn’t appear on your page…if it was meant as a blog post.
        but while I’m here… you ARE moving on…in your own way. Don’t let anybody, including yourself, discredit who you are…even if it’s in a well-meaning style. I”m happy Asa was there for you, but the advice to just move on is not solid. You obviously care very much about communicating at deep levels with certain people. … because of that, life is definitely not so much more than exploring relationships or “he said, I said, I meant.” Don’t get lost, but don’t put down who you are. Process…time doesn’t heal all….intentionality does. You are moving on…at your speed…and that is a perfect speed…and that’s part of your personality. I think what Asa was trying to say is, “be you. you are good.”

        Liked by 1 person

      3. What a great reply! I’ll repost that one. I probably should have clarified that what Asa and I were talking about in that instance was an opinion I have him, at his request. Then I worried I was wrong and wanted to make it clear. So that’s why he was, “let it go, move on. He’s actually very supportive of me, almost completely so. I think in this case, I urged him to do something differently with a bio service for an online dating site.

        Like

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